Routine and Positive Messages

P. 160
3. Analyze the Message

One strength of the original document is in the first sentence. The purpose of the email is clearly stated, showing that the company understands what the requester is needing. However, some of the sentences are a bit lengthy and not concise. The amount of information could have been shortened and more precise, so that the requester clearly understands what he or she needs to do for the problem to be corrected. Another strength of the document is in the overall polite and courteous tone.

Corrected Message:

Dear John Doe,

I am contacting you about your email request for technical support on your cable Internet service. In order to process your request efficiently, we would like to request more information from you. Please visit our support website where you will find the online support request form. By completing all the fields about your computer type, operating system, memory, etc., we will be able to troubleshoot your computer quickly and get you back in business.

Thank you for your time and patience.

Sincerely,
Technical Support

p. 163
Revising a Letter: Vacation Planning

5493 Beechwood Drive
Trenton, N.J. 08608
April 12, 2009

Florida Resort Bureau
1555 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, FL 33401

Dear Sir:

I noticed your advertisement about Florida resorts in the April 2009 issue of Smithsonian magazine and was intrigued by the brochure promises. We would like to request additional information from your Bureau about potential resort options so that my wife and I can plan a late September vacation with our two children.

We would like to know which resorts are near large cities, provide accessible public transportation, and have attractions for teenagers. We are also searching for a resort that provides recreation such as a beach, golf, and night entertainment suitable for family. I would additionally like to obtain phone numbers of who to call for local concert schedules. Finally, we are interested in learning about the weather conditions of Florida during September.

Most importantly, I would like to request financial information about the possibility of off-season rates including all amenities. We will be needing this information in the next two weeks so that time for planning is allowed.

Thank you for your time.

Frank C. Atlas